Piece of My Soul

The last few times that I read the stuff I wrote earlier has made me cringe. I would like to think that I've become a tad more interesting in the last couple of years. I want to write for myself now - cut the bullshit and just share what I really think. It's so much like therapy - I hear a lot of people everyday and try to absorb a lot. Occupational hazard; but I don't get to express as much. I love the touch and go interactions and keep it as real as I can. I don't understand the lack of emotion, lack of sincerity and I despise these type boring meaningless interactions. 

I don't understand a large part of the world around me and I worry sometimes if something is wrong with me because of this. I create and live in a bubble in my own head. I like to see brightness, positivity, hope and color in the world and people. Despite bad experiences; it may be naive but I still really want to hold on to this - I don't want to kill a part of my personality for the sake of maturity. Vulnerability keeps it real. It's all about people and their feelings. If we all lived in a world where we truly cared for each other and allowed ourselves to feel the full extent of the damage / effect of our words and actions - wouldn't it be much better?  Everyone of us has a story and when I hear so many of these stories I feel a big huge gap in my heart open up and relate to every persons point of view. There is always another side and people really just need someone to believe in them and suggest that it's all headed in the right direction. Keep delivering this message constantly. I'm so fortunate to have a rock solid family / friends around me - who always add this layer of sturdy belief when I'm constantly second guessing everything. Not sure I can function without this. 

Being surrounded by overly intelligent, overly analytical people is draining in energy for me. I have to keep adding surplus of that positivity - reality checks can wait you know. We all have reality checks randomly - just being sensitive, giving some space in your heart and head to someone and trying to figure out their story before being judging about their success / money / position is important in my opinion. Isn't success a phase that will come and go - compassion is the core of what makes us human and not animal. Sad to see many of my good friends have changed to protect themselves and I wish they didn't have to. I don't think I have any right to complain either because I haven't fixed anyone's problem but in my own way sharing a bit of my soul - truly with the people who's lives I tough, keeping it real, keeping it fun, bringing happiness and brightness around me is my way of making a difference today. People are awesome at their core - God help us in holding on to this belief. 

Clearly, I'm not on the way to solving a nuclear crisis or global warming or financial crisis.  :)

Change

I decided to ditch this blog so many times because like a blogging wannabe I went and opened my big mouth and told almost everyone I know about the blog and really that was the worst idea ever. So I'm going to write another anonymous top secret blog. But I wont ditch this one, this is my baby. I feel like I've grown up and grown down with this blog. In the last 2 years a lot has changed in my life and a lot hasn't changed.  The changes are mostly personal, professional, geographical.  I got married to my boyfriend and have a baby now :)) all great things.  I changed jobs that was not such a good thing but it's always very clear in my head that if I have to choose between personal and professional happiness I will always choose personal; you know where the heart beats and all that. I noticed that with these changes a lot of people have changed around me; some friends are more distant, some have come closer, some are no longer friends. Specially with the baby some are sharing some really disturbing birthing details which is in any world seriously grosse. 

What hasn't changed is me, the person.  I have not suddenly become the dreadful mother that only talks about their kid. I am only my baby's mother, not your mother or mother india or mother earth.  I love my baby and his father loves him and he does bring so much joy to our lives and we are blessed. However, its very personal. I know that the world is not interested in my kid, his grandparents are, but not the world.  What hasn't changed is my personality, my look is thankfully back to normal too. My thought process is the same too, maybe better coz im just more open to accepting how much I suck now than ever before. I have gotten older of course; crossing 25 was not easy.... 26 is a hard hitter it kind of puts life in perspective and shakes you up. what is my real acheivement at 26? Considering my goal is to retire from the corporate rung at 35 I dont think im so far away.  Now I want to retire at 40, a lottery may push it up again. God, you listening? Please push back all your world peace plans and shift the focus to this lowly souls' early retirement plans. So me being the same person and all imagine my surprise when people suddenly start acting all strange and weird around me after my marriage and then after the baby.  The shifty eyes, the lack of conversational topics, the rush to run away all confirmed only one thing. Have I become uninteresting? That's not true! I've become more self centered and bitchy but uninteresting is not it.  My optimism has officially gone from mildly annoying to "seriously WTF"!

This is a very Indian concept one among the long list of our cultural flaws that people seriously think their life is over after marriage. When fact is that your life actually begins after marriage, after a kid they announce your funeral never to see your face again. I was trying to understand the reason behind this and I kid you not I know some people have gone completely bonkers after their marriages.  What surprises me the most is how we can give such little importance to world hunger, major wars, tax increases and almost completely focus on some really meaningless little issues that we blow up in our heads.  When i read my diary a couple of days ago I wished I was an ostrich and dug my head somewhere for a couple of years, so embaressing my problems were.  I promised myself not to obsess over petty things and offer any detailed explanations but to quietly smarten up.  Lets see how it works out for me. :)

Despite all the positive changes in my life, I have loads of spunk and more. Whoever is scared that I will bombard them with baby stuff, that is not happening don't worry.  cheesy as it is, the only thing constant in life is change is very true. A true sign of friendship is to embrace change in ourselves and our friends. Life full of twists and turns is amazing and everything always works out for the best, eventually.  Naive much!? Whatever.... 

The Black White Syndrome

I have a disease and it's incurable... it's going to stay with me for a lifetime and the more I try to delve into it the more it gets worst! The name of this disease is "The Black White Syndrome"; it's extremely rare and dangerous but not at all contagious. It eventually kills, your social life and your circle of friends and your circle of relatives to probably the barest minimum if you're extremely lucky or to none if you're not! I know only 1 or 2 people with this disease, I used to think that this is a good thing when it started out. Now as this poison has spread and started showing the symptoms; I'm starting to think that I'm going to end up most probably psyched. The reason I call it a disease is because other people are fine and it seems to affect only me! Explaining it a little bit is going to be a hope to find a cure or to find the strength to live with it.

Let's start at the beginning, not when there was light but my humble little diseased beginning. The black white syndrome is an addiction that I chose to get into and eventually can't seem to get out of. I personally had a lot of complications and issues in my life with people because of my own hypocrisy and sort of followed the norm and went with it. So when I didn't like somebody; I never made it obvious to them, I never told anyone anything negative or hurtful about themselves on their face (I felt negative and took it out behind people's backs), I gave a very sympathetic ear to a lot of people who came to me with their problems even though i didn't feel an ounce of sympathy for them, I complimented people on stuff I didn't care about just for the heck of it, I tried to keep a lot of people happy at the same time. The result of this was that it seemed to work about 50% of the time and I was miserable the rest of the time. The relationships I had were never really deep or meaningful. Everyone was disposable basically. I definitely wasn't happy and a lot of people I was trying to make happy were actually pretending to be happy. Wow that just got really complex! Basically someone really kind showed me my erroneous ways and introduced me to this black white syndrome. I'm hooked since then, I'm happier but a lot of people aren't happy. I couldn't care less really, this is just me boasting! ;))

Well, what it really is this black white thing is that it's a state of mind. It means you view the world in 2 colors of right or wrong (white or black). It's a very hard thing for others to deal with but makes the diseased persons life a whole lot easier and better. Now if I have a problem with someone or I don't like them - I simple don't speak to them or act enthusiastic towards them. I don't compliment people unless I really feel it. I don't make friends with everyone unless they show some kind of strong trust factor. I put people to the test before trusting them information or sharing aspects of my life with them. Most people fail the test at some point and I move on; it doesn't matter. I don't see how it should matter so much; there are more than 5 or 6 billion or trillion people in the world and more being born everyday. Why does it matter if I like someone or not? There are new friends to make and new people to explore; no sweat over the ones that didn't work out. It also doesn't mean that they're necessarily bad people or something is wrong with them; it just means they don't fit in your life.

So yeah I'm well adjusted with my disease; it has its advantages and disadvantages. But i love the simplification it adds to my life.... so if you're not affected with the black white syndrome maybe you should consider it. Grey areas are not at all fun and confusion is fucking boring!

Ass U Me

OLA! The one thing that I wanted to do incessantly was blogging and blogging I did! Honestly, i t was all happening in my mind. After a long gap and a sudden burst of energy at 2 am I am going to bring all the "crazy alone talk" to the more acceptable and understanding internet :)) The title of this post is "assume" the age old cliché about 'making an ass out of u and me' has never ever been so true as it is today. The truth stares at me and pokes me and urges me to spill the beans. You see I belong to the people industry; simply put the business of selling people to people. OMG! that makes me a sound like a pimp.... NO! I am a recruiter, my expertise is people, we find the best for the best, get you that perfect person, perfect job.... blah blah blah.... but I love this job. It has truly enriched my life. I have seen such idiots that they have set a perfect example of how-not-to-be! Since I have the ultimate privilege of observing and working closely with a lot of people and I don't like honest work; I get cheap thrills by stealing from people!

Yes, its true I think I've met some of the best people who were kind enough to teach me so much through their actions. I have stolen their knowledge, their experience, their ideas that work and applied it to my life and its awesome ;) People's mistakes tend to be more preachy than the right things they do. I also observe behavior keenly like some self proclaimed shrink that doesn't get paid. Main observation - People are always assuming. Assuming in relationships, at work, assuming about life, accidents even inanimate objects! Assuming about the future, making detailed plans for the next 4 years.... its focking crazy. Look at me getting all self righteous. But, I'm so trying not to assume, I do it too... a lot in fact. When a friend doesn't call or talk for some time it's always that she's probably pissed at me coz I probably said something I shouldn't have. How do I call her? What do I say to her? Will she talk to me? OMG forget it, I'm not calling her... she should call me. Reality -The friend was sick, needed help! I should've call her.... But I regret that now...

It gets even worse with the people that don't know how to put words to their thoughts. Everyone can express, expressing your strong opinion without offending someone is an art! It's an art everyone should and must learn, it is the most important investment of time you will ever make in your life! I had the most amazing ex- boss who would do this so so beautifully that after he spoke I was always left open mouthed... but I closed my mouth quickly and tried to steal from him too! The solution is to always put yourself in the other person's shoes and act the right way. Most of the time we are too obsessed with what we want and proving a point. Giving people the benefit of doubt, being more understanding and open about your true feelings will definitely make more friends and people will flock you like bees to honey. Then you pick n choose haha! But the point is investing time and effort in those relationships that have "apparently" cracked. Is it worth it? Yes it is, it pays back ten fold no twenty fold. When people turn around and change the whole world is bliss, you're at peace, you feel amazing, OMG this is amazing I think we discovered to solution to the world crisis. STOP ASSUMING NOW! Communicate more.... communicate openly, share your fun and amazing true inner self with people, it's a whole new world waiting to open to you! :D :D