You Are a Celebrity – Really??

People get really nervous and shifty around me these days because they think that I will blog about them. I have repeatedly assured them that I have never written about them. I have never revealed their identities and yet they all have these terrible guilt trips about things I have written. I want to put an end to all controversies once and for all, I will surely blog about people who are interesting and you are interesting. Why do I write about you? Because I consider it to be my own special private mission to bring fame to the fameless, to bring glory to the ordinary, to give them their 15 seconds of fame and anonymity together.  I write about you because I want to make you the celebrity that you were born to be. Plus all kinds of publicity is good, so come on, be a sport. This comes from Rica's blog– It is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. So I accept this task with a lot of humility and I take it very very seriously. I care about you. I really do and that’s why I want to share with the world in my own little way how very special you are. I want to publicize your special quirks, your funny habits, your wicked ways and basically how amazing it is to be involved with such entertaining people. You are the people that make my ultra boring life so entertaining and exciting. 

It’s time to share those strong opinions and ridiculous ideas. I think that most of the famous people, the celebrities, stars, actors, dance show winners, politicians are all over hyped. They are worse than the worst. They are focking hypocrites who lead double lives with no shame or guilt; they have terrible double standards and are the lowliest of low lives ever to walk planet earth. Why? Everything about them is a lie, the way they look – Seriously, If I have 12 people working on my look every day, the clothes, make-up, body, hair, I am totally sure that I would kick their asses in that department. Go visit this site and look at it carefully, you’ll totally be on board with me – www.awfulplasticsurgery.com I love this site, I go on an uncontrollable ego trip after I visit this site, they show the celebrities with their bad hair, facial hair, side boobs and the likes. Oh, they have a special section which is called ‘boobs today gone tomorrow’. Our superstars get their noses fixed, eyes fixed, bodies fixed and everything else fixed to look as beautiful and unreal as they do on screen. So, we successfully determine that they look fake.

Their lives, their very public private lives, the sagas of so called love, sex, steam and dream are wide open for us to see. There is one class of the society that has benefitted immensely from this, they owe their little bundles of money and happiness to the celebrities – these are the paparazzi, the gossip columnists, 24 hour news channels and the likes. There are so many stories out there about our dear beloved celebrities and public personalities we don’t know what to believe anymore. There is little or no truth in the apologies and the scandals, we can dig into every scandal and find a minimum of ten theories about what exactly happened. Each of these theories is nastier than the other and the sad fact is that one of them is true!

With such terrible people as public personalities I have lost all hope in celebrities. I am not an easy believer and I am not at all gullible. I feel like there are better things to do than to talk about our miserable public personalities. Let’s make celebrities out of each other, YOU are interesting with all the funny habits, embarrassing goof ups, imperfections, all put together. The biggest honour to you is that you are one hundred per cent real! You are a celebrity and people should know about you, I take it upon myself to make you famous through my writing. The reason people read this stuff is because it’s interesting, the reason any material is interesting is because the inspiration is interesting. You are my inspiration. You are truly unique and people love to read about you. So I say that instead of being shifty around me, show your true glorified self and give me an opportunity to make a celebrity out of you. Because you’re worth it!

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The Ultra Boring Life

I’ve been getting some very interesting suggestions for blogging, one of the friends suggested that I blog about my life. Seriously! Blog about my life, here is some very interesting info about me don’t even care for and so I take the pleasure of sharing it with you. I have a ridiculously boring life, for starters I have a job that I love a lot and it is extremely exciting for me. Terribly boring for others, the typical corporate stuff, clients and servicing and the lot that corporate life brings with itself. The fact that this stuff excites me says it all. Also, I feel it’s easier to blog about things you hate than about things you love, because there are always people that hate the same things as you and they read your stuff and go – way to go! If you write about things you love people go like – ‘you suck, you like stupid shit’ so I will not blog about my job because it is boring for a lot of people. But, the people at work, wow, now that is a really interesting topic and I want to make celebrities out of them, they are addictive is all I can say for now.

 

The most important part of my life, my personal life, this is terribly boring for everyone and even me sometimes. But, what to do I’m in love with my life and as they say, love is blind. I am involved with ‘cool boy’ I will call him cool boy here but he’s the exact opposite of cool ;) well needless to say this has been the same boring story for the last four years and my friends are tired of me. They say, “WTF you’re still with him, see since I’ve known you, I’ve been with 4 or 5 different people and you’re still on ‘cool boy’ wowo you need to spice up your life.” So, people’s perception of excitement and my perception of exciting is totally different.

 

I know some very few people who lead this ‘so called’ ridiculously boring life and are thoroughly satisfied. But, they are all wicked like me, we find entertainment from other people’s lives, stories, fiction and if we don’t find fiction. HELL we make up fiction.

 

Conclusion – I am an interesting wicked person but I have a boring life, so I will spare you the rant about my life and talk to you about more interesting things. Things that we hate together as we are united in hate and despise much more than in love! We are the true sadists of this century and we are proud to be so, we are called the blogging community. Bloggers I am glad I got hooked on this addiction. Greatness be with us forever!

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Connected 24/7

I was just wondering how amazing it is that the internet unites us. We take so many things for granted, one of them is having every single one of our contacts haunting us day and night on the internet. Nothing is sacred anymore, everywhere you go, they go with you. You see glimpses of every person’s life without actually being there and similarly they see glimpses of your life without really being there. You update your status on Facebook, Twitter, Orkut, your blog, and everywhere else. If someone wants to find you, all they have to do is click a Goddamn button. Wow, what a feat we have achieved. This shit creeps the hell out of me!

I mean I know that I get to stay connected and close with everyone, you don’t feel lonely and all that jazz. But, wait a minute; are you sailing in the same boat as me? I mean, are you human? If you are you must’ve surely done this, I am not the only mean person in the whole world. There are so many times when you don’t want to talk to people, when you are avoiding people on purpose. You said bye-bye to people in the past and walked out of their lives, you prefer it like that. In my case, I don’t call these people, don’t answer their calls, they don’t have my number – I change it every three months (just in case!). Now, here I am going through such great lengths to avoid some people. I take a different route, I know where they hangout so I don’t visit the same places at the same time. Believe me, I try hard to not bump into them anywhere. If by some weird coincidence I do get a call or something, my ultimate statement is that I am too busy. Don’t be fooled, I really am busy, but we all know that even if we work 14 hours a day, there are those one or two hours that you could squeeze in for someone you really wanted to meet. It has to be someone rrrreaally special for me to give up on precious sleep.

After going through all this I was relaxed and assured that people I didn’t want to meet wouldn’t find me. But, I was sadly mistaken. One day, I’m working peacefully on my blog and suddenly out of nowhere this annoying ‘BUZZ’ sound accompanies a really irritating picture. This is the instant message of someone I left behind like 3 years ago. In my life, 3 years is a very very long time! Let’s name this certain someone – ‘Annoying’. So, Annoying is like – hey, how’re you and where are you and what’s happening and all the hyperactive jazz. My response to this is – okay, I’m here, working and living my ultra boring life. But, I am very happy.  You should’ve been there to see that chat, this person sends me their number, Facebook invite, twitter follow and everything else. Moreover, I was even blamed for avoiding Annoying. Hey, if I knew someone was avoiding me or had a slight hint of that, I would never approach the person. Self respect – Where are you? I know this post sounds extremely mean, but believe me, you will not think so once you know why I was avoiding Annoying.

Now, I’m really freaked out to go online on some of my old accounts, God know who will jump at me and want to get back in touch. I am a firm believer of the life goes on, live in the present, don’t dwell on the past theories. As far as Annoying goes, so far I’ve done a fabulous job and have not ‘bumped into’ Annoying anywhere. Continue Reading...

Random Privacy Invasion

I recently had the misfortune of meeting and extraordinarily obnoxious man. This man, we’ll call him ‘Curious George’ left us all as Indians feeling ashamed of ourselves and you will soon find out why. For the benefit of those that don’t know I have an extremely high standard of privacy and believe in keeping my nose completely out of other people’s business. In return, I expect that they will do the same. But, NO! This is too much to ask for. I think that somewhere in the quest for independence and the struggle for development the entire Indian community lost its sense of privacy. I don't know about the rest of our large population. But, I want my privacy baaack!

I was victimized by Curious George who I met en route a very exciting vacation. Due to the above stated reasons –

(a) Love of privacy
(b) Desire to keep prying eyes away from my life

I act like a complete bitch around strangers and in public places so that they don’t start a conversation with me. I do my best to ignore people; I always carry my entertainment and never need anyone to talk to me. On this journey as well I was busy being my happy, pricey, bitchy self and I thought I sent out the message LOUD and CLEAR. But, Mr. Curious George didn’t quite catch the suggestive gestures. He was sitting right next to me blowing hot air from everywhere and suffering from a terrible case of silent farts! I was listening to music with ear plugs, working on the computer and I was also smelling my hair because the air around was unbearable. Suddenly, Curious George taps my shoulder and interrupts all these activities. He actually touched me, eew! Without an apology he launched into these questions about my life, destination, job, family, dating cycle and my entire life to be precise. As if the interruption wasn't bad enough.

The flaw in my ‘act like a bitch’ plan is that I am unable to really be a bitch. I was nice to him out of courtesy but Curious didn’t stop. After half an hour of evading questions and giving vague answers, I excused myself to go the restroom. I went there and almost tore my hair out; I let out a silent scream and a prayer at the same time. After getting my act together I was a little resourceful and found a flight attendant. I begged her to change my seat; I told her that she could leave me on the floor but not on MY seat. She was nice and listened patiently; thankfully at the first opportunity she changed my place. Before I left I told curious that I had a backache on that seat and managed to escape his clutches.

There is a social message in this story people. Just because you’re sitting next to someone doesn’t mean that the person is even remotely interested in sharing their lives with you. One other thing, the probability of you finding love on the airport, bus stop, theatre or any other public place is like 0.005%. Women think this is creepy, if you creep someone out they will hit you on the head with a bag or a shoe! If you’re unbearably bored you can try something entertaining like licking your elbow, touching your tongue to your nose, biting you head off if you find nothing else. But, Please for the sake of all sanity on earth, do not take a plunge into the stranger’s life. They don’t want to tell where they’re headed, why, why alone, how much money their parents make or how much money they make, when they plan to plan to marry, retire or die! If you ask these questions the person will either kill you or die right then. Some of us call this TORTURE!

I am not one of those who will die, I will ‘focking’ kill. People who know me, know that I am capable of murder and willing to murder for the right cause. The search for the cause is over. I will find curious George and kill him. Noooooo, wait, if I see that pest again I will vomit first, then maybe I'll kill him.

WARNING – If you ever see a really pricey and bitchy woman very busy at a public place, don’t even go within a radius of 100 meters, she carries a big knife. Self defense. Continue Reading...